Two Episodes of Depression
My name is Red, and I currently live in Chicago, where I work full-time as a global marketing professional for a pharmaceutical company.
I’ve faced depression twice in my life. The first time was when I was 30. I had been working at a consulting firm in China for eight years, living the relentless “996” lifestyle—9 a.m. to 9 p.m., six days a week, with barely any weekends to rest. That year, it hit me: I’m 30, and I don’t have a boyfriend, a house, or a car. I have nothing. In China, there’s a saying that by 30, you should be “established.” But I felt like I had nothing to show for my life. The pressure was suffocating, and with the grueling work hours, I began losing sleep.
At the time, I didn’t recognize I was depressed. I just thought I was unhappy, anxious, and suffering from insomnia. So, instead of seeking medical help, I turned to traditional Chinese medicine, hoping herbs and wellness routines would heal me.
The second time depression hit was last year when I turned 40, triggered by workplace bullying. I was working in the U.S., and there was a colleague—an older white woman—who constantly harassed and belittled me. Her behavior wore me down emotionally, and I found myself sinking into depression once again.
From these experiences, I’ve learned two important lessons that I hope will help anyone going through something similar:
Accept your emotions. Don’t suppress or deny them just because they’re uncomfortable. Emotions, like waves, come and go. Yes, the process can be painful, but the only way through it is to feel them fully. If you’re sad, let yourself cry. If you’re angry, find a healthy way to express it. I remember crying alone in a room until I couldn’t anymore.
Allow yourself to process those emotions. When I moved to the U.S., I didn’t have many close friends, so I started journaling daily—writing down whatever was on my mind, no matter how messy or random. This became my outlet to release my feelings and face them head-on.
The turning point came when Coco Lee tragically passed away. Her death forced me to confront my own life. I asked myself, If I died tomorrow, would anyone really care? My husband might grieve for a while, but eventually, he would move on and remarry. My parents would be devastated, but life would continue. That realization hit me hard: I have to learn to love myself, because I’m the only one who can truly take care of me. That clarity pulled me out of my depression.
Living with depression feels like walking through an endless dark tunnel. There’s no light, no end in sight. But if you’re in that tunnel right now, I want to say: Don’t give up. Keep moving forward, even if it feels impossible. One day, you will walk out of that darkness and find the light, just as I did.
Part 1: Healing Childhood Trauma from Domestic Violence
When I reflect on my tendency toward depression, I can trace much of it back to the trauma I experienced growing up in a household with domestic violence. My father would often hit my mother, and sometimes, he’d hit me too. I constantly wondered: Why is someone who’s supposed to love me hurting me like this? This left me feeling insecure from a young age, and that insecurity turned into a drive to excel, though I was never satisfied with myself.
This trauma also impacted my relationships. During my teens and twenties, I found it difficult to get close to men, especially Chinese men. Any intimate gesture would trigger fear and discomfort, so I rarely dated.
The breakthrough in healing came when I began working with my first life coach, Belly. In one powerful session, I closed my eyes and imagined my adult self traveling back to comfort my younger self. I hugged my child self tightly and said, “You’re safe now. I’m strong enough to protect us. You don’t have to be afraid anymore.”
For years, I had unknowingly played the role of a victim. That session helped me step out of that mindset. Over time, I became more open to relationships, and while pursuing an MBA in the U.S., I met my husband. We got married when I was 38.
Marriage, Arguments, and Adjustments
Although that coaching session helped me heal from childhood trauma, old communication patterns still lingered in my early marriage. In the first two years, we argued frequently. During fights, I often spiraled into thoughts like, He doesn’t love me. He’s not treating me well. I’d focus on what he didn’t do or criticize him, which led to emotional outbursts. There were times I thought our marriage might not survive.
But my husband’s patience and understanding pulled us through. He knew about my childhood trauma and never resorted to physical conflict during our arguments. After every fight, he’d reaffirm his love for me, reminding me that I wasn’t being rejected. His consistent reassurance helped us grow closer. After two years of working on our differences, I felt much more secure in our relationship.
Learning to Communicate My Needs
One of the biggest challenges we still face is communication. I grew up assuming people should just know what I wanted, without me having to say it—whether it was helping around the house or planning things in advance. When my husband didn’t do those things, I’d get upset. But he often reminded me, “I’m not a mind reader. If you want something, you need to tell me.”
In Chinese families, unspoken communication is common. But my husband reminded me that expecting that kind of understanding after just a few years of marriage was unrealistic. We had to learn how to communicate more openly.
This morning was a perfect example. I had a lot on my mind—planning for our interview, thinking about laundry—and my husband asked me to marinate steaks for dinner. Feeling overwhelmed, I snapped. But later, he came to me and gently asked, “Are you upset?” I explained that I wasn’t mad, just overwhelmed. Once I communicated how I felt, the tension eased. He took over dinner, and here I am, talking to you.
Being open about my emotions made the situation better for both of us. It’s a work in progress, but we’re learning to handle our challenges together.
Looking back my domestic trama, I want to say that Your family and upbringing shape you, sometimes trapping you in patterns of insecurity and fear. But you’re not defined by your past. I want to share this message with anyone who’s gone through similar experiences: Your family might have built a fence around you, telling you you’re a chicken who can only live within those boundaries. But the truth is, you’re not a chicken—you’re a bird. You have wings, and you can fly beyond that fence.
Don’t let your past pain hold you back. You have the power to heal and build a brighter future.
Part 2: Overcoming Workplace Burnout and Bullying
During the time I was dealing with workplace bullying, I got stuck in a cycle of negative emotions. I found myself spiraling, consumed by thoughts like, How can someone treat me like this? The pain of it all was overwhelming, and every day I was caught in a loop of complaining and venting.
Recognizing Bullying Behavior
For a long time, I wasn’t even sure what was happening to me was bullying. Like many Chinese professionals starting their careers in the U.S., I didn’t fully understand the nuances of workplace harassment here. All I knew was that this white woman I worked with constantly disrespected and belittled me. It wasn’t until my husband, who’s American, pointed it out that I realized her behavior checked every box for classic bullying.
Identifying bullying isn’t always easy—especially when it’s subtle or disguised as workplace “banter.” If you find yourself in a similar situation, don’t hesitate to reach out to people you trust. Your friends, especially those familiar with American work culture, may help you see things more clearly.
Assess the Situation and Consider Changing Jobs
Once you recognize the bullying for what it is, the next step is to assess your situation. Can you leave? Are there ways to remove yourself from that environment? For me, quitting wasn’t an option at the time. I was tied to the role, so I had no choice but to stick it out. But if you have the opportunity, it’s worth considering a change. Sometimes the best decision for your mental health is to walk away from a toxic environment.
Seeking Help from the Company
Reporting the bullying to your company is an option, though it may not always lead to the outcome you hope for. In my case, I eventually reached out to HR to report the woman’s behavior. Sadly, HR didn’t take any action, and the situation only ended when she decided to leave the company on her own.
But when HR fails, there are other avenues. I sought help from a professional coach—a Black male coach who could relate to the discrimination and harassment I was facing as a person of color. His support was transformative. He didn’t just help me navigate the situation; he empowered me to stop avoiding confrontation. Instead, he encouraged me to confront the issue head-on—but with a level head. I learned to detach myself emotionally and approach the bully from a neutral, business-like standpoint. Once our interactions were based on facts, her ability to manipulate me disappeared. She couldn’t continue without looking unreasonable to our colleagues.
Prioritizing Self-Care
Facing bullying is exhausting, and self-care is essential. I’ll admit, I wasn’t great at this in the beginning. I lost sleep, cried almost daily, and constantly vented to my husband. But even in the depths of that difficult time, I tried to take small steps to care for myself—eating foods I enjoyed, taking breaks to rest, and doing what I could to maintain my mental and physical health.
Looking back, I realize the woman bullying me likely had her own emotional struggles. She was known for her outbursts, and many colleagues had witnessed her anger firsthand. But it became clear she specifically targeted me because she saw me as vulnerable—a middle-aged Chinese woman, gentle and without the protection of higher-ups. Meanwhile, another colleague, whose husband held a higher position in the company, was spared from this treatment. It was a glaring example of how bullies adjust their behavior depending on the perceived power dynamics.
Regaining Control of My Happiness
Now that I’ve come out the other side, I sometimes look back and wonder, How could I have let someone else control my happiness? One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned is to never give anyone the power to dictate how you feel or how you experience your day. No one should have the ability to rob you of your peace.
These days, my approach to work is entirely different. Even though the person who bullied me is no longer around, challenges still arise—whether it’s a demanding boss or the usual workplace frustrations. But none of it affects my inner state anymore. Every morning, I ask myself, How do I want to experience this day? I make the conscious decision to be happy at work, regardless of the external circumstances. That choice gives me an incredible sense of power, and it allows me to focus on what matters most—without letting the outside world disrupt my peace.
Part 3: My Life Coach Journey
Over the past 11 years, life coaching has been an essential part of my personal growth. I’ve worked with several life coaches who have helped me navigate difficult periods of my life, from overcoming childhood trauma to working through two bouts of depression and workplace bullying. Through these experiences, I’ve emerged as a stronger, more self-assured version of myself, and I’m deeply grateful for their guidance.
It all began when a friend recommended that I try life coaching, fueled by my dissatisfaction with my life and my desire for something better. What started as a way to deal with surface-level issues, like procrastination, soon led me to confront deeper struggles, including my childhood trauma. My first coach, Becky, helped me navigate those initial stages, and my current coach, Wendy, is a spiritual guide who has been with me for several years. She’s a seventy-year-old woman with incredible wisdom, and I meet with her every two weeks. These days, I also work as a coach, helping others who’ve had similar experiences.
The Deep Experience of Life Coaching
At its core, life coaching creates a space for deep, meaningful conversations where you can look inward for answers. A great coach is truly altruistic—someone who centers the other person and supports their growth without imposing their own intentions. This is important because a coach’s role isn’t to push their agenda or assume they know what’s best for you. Everyone’s journey is unique, and what works for one person may not work for another.
There’s a trap some coaches fall into, thinking, I’ve been through more, so I must be stronger or wiser. They may try to guide you with their “good intentions,” much like a mother who says, This is for your own good. But if a coach starts pushing their own beliefs on you, it’s a sign they’re missing the mark. The best coaches understand that it’s not about them—it’s about you and your readiness to grow. The answers should come from within, not from someone else’s experience.
There Is No “Fast Track” to Success
Life coaching isn’t a quick fix. It’s a long-term, ongoing process of exploration. If you’re committed to self-growth, you’ll find that the issues you face now are often connected to past experiences. Revisiting those moments can offer clarity, while looking ahead to your future goals provides motivation. The journey is fluid and ever-evolving, which is why keeping an open mind is so important—you might uncover surprising insights about yourself along the way.
One thing I’ve learned is that personal transformation takes time. Even small changes require consistent effort, let alone deep inner work. It’s unrealistic to expect a complete transformation in just a month or two. But with dedication and phased practice, you’ll start to notice the trajectory of your growth. Over time, you can adjust the frequency of your coaching sessions, depending on your needs. Some people meet with their coach once a month, allowing space for reflection and progress between sessions.
How to Choose a Life Coach
Choosing the right coach is crucial. Start by identifying your burning question or the primary issue you want to tackle. For example, if your focus is on improving your relationships, find a coach who specializes in that area. On the other hand, if you’re looking for career guidance, an executive coach may be more suitable.
It’s important to be mindful of coaching labels, as they’re often self-assigned. Just because someone calls themselves an executive coach doesn’t necessarily mean they have the experience or skills to back it up. Trust your instincts when choosing a coach—it’s a bit like dating. You’ll know when there’s chemistry, and you’ll feel it if the coach truly understands you and can help you get to the core of your issues.
One piece of advice from my master coach has always stuck with me: “As a transformational coach, if you haven’t transformed yourself, you’re not ready to support someone else’s transformation.” In other words, a coach who hasn’t done their own deep work can’t help you grow in a meaningful way.
This doesn’t mean that younger coaches can’t be effective. However, without a wealth of life experience, their ability to support you may be limited. After a while, the conversations might hit a plateau, and you may find that the coach can’t offer the deeper insights you need for further growth.
Reaching Out for Support
As someone who has walked through rain and weathered storms, my goal now is to help others who have experienced similar struggles. Whether it’s childhood trauma, relationship challenges, or workplace struggles, I want to support people in their journey toward healing and growth.
To anyone going through tough times, don’t lose hope. Reach out—not just to a coach, but also to the people around you. Talk to your friends and loved ones. Remember that you are loved and supported by many, even by strangers who are sending positive energy into the world. You are in a world full of love.